as i prepare for a little party next week in celebration of my first year in New York, I am doing alot of reflection on the changes i have undergone in my time here and who i have become.
in many ways i am very proud of the niche i have scratched out for myself, with much help of friends and loved ones, and I fell blessed and lucky most days here by the challenges and support that seem to surround me. but a few things have left me feeling like someone waking and needing to break out of a tight box.
i feel angsty and admittedly pretty insecure. like i am no longer satisfied with just getting by, I need to be making progress, I need to make sure I am working to get what I want and that begins with making myself aware of what those things are.
I feel like I am throwing little tantrums or fits in my head lately. They leave me feeling like a 6 year old whose mother is dressing her in the wrong clothes. I don’t know what I want, but that wasn’t it. I feel terrible verbalizing these thoughts when I am having them, because even if they are based on real needs, I seem to be shocking those around me.
That reaction adds to my insecurity because it makes me think maybe I haven’t been representing myself honestly. How can things that are so clearly uncomfortable, unproductive or undesirable to me, surprise my new york comrades when I am hurt or upset by them. Who do they take me to be? What do they really see in me, who is it they have come to know?
And I realize it is not all on them to know me better, I have to represent myself with more confidence and conviction as well. Not a small task, but a vital one.
I hope in figuring these things out and acting for myself I soothe these feelings, accomplish more of what I desire, realize that I have been being more like myself than I knew, and grow closer to those I love. Or I could just scare the crap out of all of them!
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